Nine Words Women Use.

This just in from my sister.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

So I walked into a McDonald's and said . . .

. . ."I'll have an order of scrambled eggs and a small coffee."
"Okay sir," the counter-girl replied as she entered the order onto the screen, "That will be one dollar and forty nine cents."
"And one order of scrambled eggs . . . please," I politely shot back, thinking she had heard only the coffee part.
"Yes sir, I got it. One forty-nine, please."
-----"And coffee?"
"Yes, got that, too."
-----"Wow, eggs and coffee, $1.49, that's a good deal!"

Pause. Smile. "You got the morning Senior discount."

---- Pause. No smile.

Ulta Cosmetics Store. The other side of the moon.

 I have heard that only one side of the moon is observable from earth, and that another dark side exists that we never see. I thought about that yesterday when the wife dragged me into the Ulta Cosmetics Store on Hulen.

I had no idea this world existed. 15,000 square feet with shelves packed with every imaginable beauty product and I saw things I had never seen before.

Like the skin care product with sand in it. Sand on paper I have seen, sand on beaches I have seen, this was sand in a "seaside facial scrub." Right next to the sand scrub was the "sea foam" cream. It had little bubbles in it.

I walked around. A video monitor with a scary-looking guy named Napoleon hawking his wares caught my attention. I stood and watched him apply his Napoleonic line of makeup to his model-victims. His method of applying the make-up was interesting. He'd dab the makeup on the back of his hand like a landscape artist does a palette, then dab-dab the girl's eyelid for about 10 seconds, and this while talking, looking back at the camera -- at me -- about the transformative effect of his products.

He was scary. Really.

Did you know that there are dozens of varieties of hair blowers, curlers, and hair irons? There were a hundred varieties of brushes. That's varieties. The brushes themselves were in the thousands. And that's not counting the combs.

Color is of obvious importance in cosmetics and every beauty product company has its own color. Ulta itself likes the pink hues, Bare Essentials: earth tones, Clinique: white, Max Factor: black. And then there is the accompanying theme word: sea is big, as is aqua, health, bare, shine, sheer, and beauty, of course. You can see the connection, sheer goes with light beige colors, sea with blues. Anything with the word spa in it is popular. Then there are the foreign words, well, actually French words, like femme, homme, sol and l'eau.

There are no German words, only French and a few Spanish., which I can understand, who wants to buy a product that begins with "Ich?"

The shampoo and conditioner aisles are a wonder in their variety of names, shapes, and colors. Nothing like the half-gallon jug I bought at K-Mart, my side of the moon.

Admit it: He's on a Roll

Monday, Monday. Women 101.

A recent email from my sister, I think it's funny:
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In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy(-2)
Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans(-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

You Know You're Not in Texas When:

You see a Lenten special for horse-race wagering,

As I did today in Philadelphia.
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