Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Why Do Men Wear Toupees?

First let me say, if you are a man who wears a toupee, I mean you no harm. Even if you are the Donald.


I am sitting here watching Chris Matthews' Hardball news show. His guests are a couple of very bright male commentators who, it is obvious to see, have hairpieces. When I look at them I think, that looks stupid. And I wonder, if you are so smart, why do you do something to make you look stupid. Then I wonder what the guy looks like bald and it is always better.

I don't think I am alone in this prejudice. I think most guys think toupees look stupid, and, by the way, the older the guy is the worse it looks.

So then I think, maybe it's women who think men look better with a full head of hair and that is the motivation. Women will like me more, maybe that's what the bald guy thinks. I can understand that. But do they? Sure if you have hair like Brad Pitt, then sure girls would like you more. But if you're some 50 year old schlep that looks like he just ate a Michelin radial, forget about it. The rug ain't attracting anything.

Oh well, I'm 55, and I have a bald spot like a monk on the back of my head. I keep my hair short because of it. When that spot takes over the whole head I won't have to worry about haircuts at all, which to me is a good thing. But even if I were worried about my hair appearance I wouldn't try to correct it with a misfitting toup, because, the fact is -- they are all misfitting.


The Whited Sepulchre said...

What gets me even more than the dreaded toupee....
The abominable combover, or even worse, the comb UP.

(disclosure: I'm working on a bald spot)

I've seen guys take the most delicate wisp of hair, grow it longer than a yardstick, coil it around their heads like a python, and then it hit with enough hairspray to hold it in place all day. And when they're finished they look like they've, well, done what I just described.

I've seen men take SIDEBURN hair and brush it up and over.

I've seen one guy who had nothing except a ring of hair on the sides and back. He had grown it about a foot long and apparently got it wet every morning, then bent over, and somehow weaved his hair together over the top of his head. It was the most fascinating thing I've ever seen.

There are worse things than toupees. Not many, but they're out there.

Francis Shivone said...

TWS -- I forgot all about the brushover. A terrible offense against humanity and further proof that men and civilization are devolving not evolving. :)

Anonymous said...

Ok, I get it. Men with bad looking toupees look far worse than if they just went short and showed their baldness. However, what about guys who have great hairpieces that you could never tell they were wearing anything? Young guys, even in their twenties, who look 100% better than shaving their oddly shapped heads appearing likg a chemo patient. What is so dreaded about that? Or is it only bad toupees you have a problem with? It seems to me that if you flat out look terrible bald, and can find a way to not be bald and look WAY better, what's wrong with it? Remember, many men look terrible bald, and those are usually the guys who get hairpieces or plugs. The guys who look ok bald (the lucky ones) don't have to bother and wonder why some guys would go to the trouble of a toupee or plugs. Bottom line: not all men have facial features that work with a bald or balding look. And we haven't even discussed women who wear hairpieces or extensions. Are they dreaded as well?

So, the question is: Is it the bad toupees that are dreaded, or any toupees, even the ones that show a perfectly naturally head of hair (great scalp look and perfect hairline) ?